我寂寞仍旧高贵
There’s always that critical moment in which either you choose to succumb or you reject, and even the whole steadfastly-refusing-to-admit-or-do-anything-about-it shenanigan falls heads and heels into the latter. Procrastination, too, belongs there, for you allow the all-important moment to be lost and the others, to catch and overwhelm.
On Sunday night, I found myself inexplicably overwrought by the desire to call and find out whether he has died or we are through and through, and through, or he is, simply waiting for me to call before he would gladly and gallantly make me happy again.
Except the dare game has dragged a little too long this time. One year is an awfully long time not to exchange calls or smses and I fear it is impossible to pick up from where we left each other.
Oh, how I was tempted to call. I went as far as to key in his home number and stare at the phone helplessly for the longest time, before I hit the clear button and I was back to square one.
I didn’t call in the end, could it have been any otherwise, if I were any wiser than before?
Maybe if I had called, I would have realized he was lost to me forever, irrevocably and irretrievably so, since I’m only keying in digits from the recesses of memory. What I was dialing may be a real stranger’s number as I have long deleted every painful reminder of his existence from my phone, in the desperate attempt to make it impossible for contact to take place, as initiated by yours truly.
Am I thinking of him only because I’m so very bored and so very tired of going out with another? Yes, and yes. And I really, really miss him so, right now.
Apart from calling him, is there anything I can do to mitigate this sense of hopelessness?
Why only now?
I’m glad I didn’t call, that Pride and Prudence saved the day, even if the heart was lost.
Simply because.
From It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy - Why shouldn't you call him? "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. EVEN IF YOU THINK HE DOES, YOU'RE PROBABLY WRONG. IF HE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU, TO CHECK ON YOU, TO RECONCILE WITH YOU, HE WOULD."
On Sunday night, I found myself inexplicably overwrought by the desire to call and find out whether he has died or we are through and through, and through, or he is, simply waiting for me to call before he would gladly and gallantly make me happy again.
Except the dare game has dragged a little too long this time. One year is an awfully long time not to exchange calls or smses and I fear it is impossible to pick up from where we left each other.
Oh, how I was tempted to call. I went as far as to key in his home number and stare at the phone helplessly for the longest time, before I hit the clear button and I was back to square one.
I didn’t call in the end, could it have been any otherwise, if I were any wiser than before?
Maybe if I had called, I would have realized he was lost to me forever, irrevocably and irretrievably so, since I’m only keying in digits from the recesses of memory. What I was dialing may be a real stranger’s number as I have long deleted every painful reminder of his existence from my phone, in the desperate attempt to make it impossible for contact to take place, as initiated by yours truly.
Am I thinking of him only because I’m so very bored and so very tired of going out with another? Yes, and yes. And I really, really miss him so, right now.
Apart from calling him, is there anything I can do to mitigate this sense of hopelessness?
Why only now?
I’m glad I didn’t call, that Pride and Prudence saved the day, even if the heart was lost.
Simply because.
From It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken: The Smart Girl's Break-Up Buddy - Why shouldn't you call him? "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. EVEN IF YOU THINK HE DOES, YOU'RE PROBABLY WRONG. IF HE WANTED TO TALK TO YOU, TO CHECK ON YOU, TO RECONCILE WITH YOU, HE WOULD."
2 Comments:
I'd love to say "fuck men".. except that I really will miss doing that.
I like to believe that that moment to call-or-not to call is the hardest, and once you've survived that, things can only get better.
min
unfortunately, the moment would resurface from time to time :(
the tragic rationalising (which tragically makes for equally desperate sense) would go something along the lines of: yeah, but what if he thinks i'm the one causing the rift and he's also waiting for me to call simply BECAUSE HE KNOWS RIGHT NOW I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM. EVEN IF HE THINKS I DO, HE KNOWS HE'S PROBABLY WRONG. IF I HAD WANTED TO TALK TO HIM, TO CHECK ON HIM, TO RECONCILE WITH HIM, I WOULD."
do you have his number?
or you can save me from the grief by organising a gathering.
the last time something like this happen ie in hons year - that we went on with our lives for a year without each other, a gathering
was the cure and we were together regularly again after that.
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