I received an sms early morning from someone I used to be rather fond of and close to. He wished me happy new year and said he met up with my professor who asked him how I was.

"I told her you were doing okay. Am I right? =)"

I think he was trying his darnest to be friendly and amicable after what transpired between us five months ago. A lot of things were handled badly on his side, and I cannot put up with that. So he, suitably embarrassed (I hope) and on my side, justifiably angered, we ceased connection and communication by mutual muted consent.

He smsed me quite a few times after that to inquire how I was faring for work but admittedly, I was so curt and abrupt that it would be foolhardy to pursue and prolong any conversation. He got my cue.

He never asked me out after that long night, only sent sms-es. It was only out of politeness that I replied and to show in a quietly defiant manner, I was still mad at him.

He never apologised, nor referred to what happened and I never looked back since then.

"You could just be frank and say you don't know." I replied.

It was true. He never knew what happened to me since that night and I hate nothing more than people who are presumptuous and assume waaaaay too much.

Po asked if I would ever put this behind me, and can we ever go out as a threesome again. I said I am scared. I don't like people, without checking with me or asking me directly, to insist I mean something. I never accused you of liking me, so don't pull that on me just because we are having a good time together. Don't misread, don't second-guess. Not sure? Ask me, I am more than happy to enlighten you. And most of the time, the odds are I won't know till you pop the question, so there's no way you will know what I'm gonna say. The damage's done, though for this particular friend.

But I miss him on the rare occasions I feel no one else will be able to analyse my emotions. I must say, he was the best when it comes to evaluating feelings. We both derived immense enjoyment from attempting to read gestures and interpreting them and words (Too bad, when it comes to the crunch, he did not and could not read me at all. He forgot I am very different and this difference was what made the friendship such a staunch one so quickly ). But I don't think he cares, anymore.

I once believed he was a friend I will like to see regularly and for a heady three months, I wouldn't have believed had you told me I can imagine life without the existence of such a friend. We laughed and said we were lucky to have discovered each other in the last of heartless honours year. And we were only sorry we met so late in life.

Then when I realised I can cut him out so easily, I was upset, surprised, and flattered by turns. Can we learn to live without someone we are so used to having his presence around?

I think I am a very fast learner when it comes to stuff like his. I recover like it's nobody's business, and it worries me, sometimes.

*

I used to like having the idea of someone else around much more frequently. Then because he can't and he doesn't want to (he said, jeopardise his studies), we kinda settle for just hanging out during the holidays. Which was not fair to me. He flared up once when we were younger: he discovered I had to do an internship during term break. Very unhappily, accusingly and accursedly, he berated me for not informing him. Hello? I do have a life, you know, whether it's life without you, regardless of whether you have a life. And you have to work too, what's the point of telling me you have reserved a week to go out last min when you failed to talk to me for the entire semester? I don't even know if you are interested in my affairs anymore.

While I adapt easily to not having certain people around me, I certainly do not take kindly to those who suddenly expect to re-enter my life and be warmly embraced after a long hiatus. The rationale is really simple: If I can live without seeing/sms-ing/writing/calling you for the last six months/years, I can live without seeing/sms-ing/writing/calling you for another six months/years. Take a number. I need to get used to having you around all over again. And I am not prepared to turn my life upside down just so I can re-ignite and emote enthusiasm, no matter how much I used to enjoy your lovely company.

But I am very kind and patient towards him. Too kind, too patient, perhaps. Maybe because he is so different and embodies a wholly different set of values and principles that I cannot accept but find most perversely attractive. A sure recipe for disaster, I know. He knows that too, that I am intriguing and dangerous because I am so destructive of all he believes in and lives his life by. It is a facet he has never seen, never experienced, never thought about, until he met me. He is charmed and repulsed.

I don't know what to say to him, saved that I have tried. And he never does. He is childish and immature in that sense, and masks his inability to articulate and emote as my unreasonable expectations and abstract, lofty ideals.

The same someone also went: I do not wish you to have any expectations of me so that everything else I do will supersede by virtue that I have done and in so, procure pleasure in each and every gesture.

I can't decide if that's sweet or plain silly, but it's most certainly selfish.

He is very, very much The Chauvinist Male.

I have expectations of you because of my affection for you. My dear friends, the more I value you, the more I will expect a certain standard of performance from you. There's a reason why when I am troubled, I call you instead of someone else. Why I even bother to impose myself onto you, and I only hope you can do the same towards me. It would be my honour to be a good and close friend, to be given the opportunity to prove my absolute commitment and dedication to you, and fulfil my desire to be worthy of your trust and faith.

I hope he is not so foolish to attempt a reworked, modern life's Taming of The Shrew. 'Coz I'm no shrew, just a fiesty, independent lady who wants to melt under TLC, definitely not cowered or clobbered into unconscious submissiveness.

I know he can be 温柔 in a dignified, manly, solemn way befitting of his chauvinistic and proud nature (that I like) but I don't know what I want ('coz I don't like hypothetical scenarios and questions too. But nothing very real and concrete is happening, so I can only hazard a wise guess and be forever deferred from making an informed choice); I have no idea what he hopes for; he says he doesn't understand me and we are left groping in the dark.

I am doing the best I can. If things are to be changed, for better or worse, the burden is on him. I absolve and divest myself of all responsibility for the future.

心属於你的 我借来寄托 却变成我的心魔
你属於谁的 我刚好经过 却带来潮起潮落

都是因为一路上一路上 大雨曾经滂沱 证明你有来过
可是当我闭上眼再睁开眼 只看见沙漠 哪里有甚么骆驼

背影是真的人是假的没甚么执著 一百年前你不是你我不是我
悲哀是真的泪是假的本来没因果 一百年后没有你也没有我

风属於天的 我借来吹吹 却吹起人间烟火
天属於谁的 我借来欣赏 却看到你的轮廓