I Am Not Alone

As recurring themes played out, pointlessness instead of potentiality ruled.

It is hateful that it should happen this way. But. I haven’t lived 20 odd years for nothing, only to prove that there’s nothing. I’m determined to find heart and meaning.

Feeling all down and depressed, so I’m taking a moment to sink in before I swim back to sunnier shores.

Quarter life crisis has never been so real – I wish I could reverse some decisions.

Or I could will myself to accept there’s a reason and agenda behind the composition of twists and turns in the little drama that is my life, which gives it credible meaning, that eventually I can come to understand (as opposed to coming to terms with) and celebrate in genuine gratitude.

Fat hope and thin ice?

In desperation to escape, Ruth helped me to list down top ten reasons to cheer if some imagined negativity should manifest itself entirely.

It wasn’t too difficult, given that I just want to be happy.

*

I wish I can tell Mr Veins what is troubling me today. I probably should, so that he can respond accordingly ie ruffle my feathers and annoy me so that I can be propelled from this wretchedness. But my ego is stopping me (It is annoying enough that I instinctively think about him whether shit happens and otherwise).

*

Whatever happened to the NUS me – am I still in here? Have I, God forbid, mellowed and melted into this gross, useless puddle that even I cannot help shuddering at?

Think of Peiyun who has successfully dried up. Then, think of the rest of my struggling friends who are just as confused by what is not happening. There has been a happy ending, in a way, and others who are still writing their life stories.

I am not alone.

Maybe I should just pretend to drown my sorrows at Paulaner with Minxiu and all tomorrow night. Pretend, because I don't drink that much, but I can try. The guys can make such a ruckus and are rowdy and risque enough so that we are able to believe we have never left those arrogant, heady, elitist days when life is only good and intelligent and sexy. Going Paulaner because it's the man's birthday wish - Happy Birthday, Minxiu! I pledge my eternal devotion and friendship, even on lousy, crappy days. Please remember that I love you, warts and all. There are times when the tides ebb but they will rise and soar, and fall and so on. Love and friendship are like that.

*

You thought you had understanding, but hell, you never did. More than a decade has passed and all those times you hummed, it's only now, that it makes perfect sense.

歲月的細水滿滿流　流到了別離的時候 輕拍你的肩　聽我說朋友不要太惆悵
霓虹縱然再囂張　我們的步履有方向 成敗不論切莫將昔日遺忘

多年以後　又再相逢 我們都有了疲倦的笑容
問一聲我的朋友　何時再為我吹奏 是否依舊　是否依舊

人生的際遇千百種　但有知心長相重 人願長久　水願長流　年少時候

and then there's this

听到dj又播出那一首歌 一首令我深深感触的歌
发生在啤酒周围的故事 还有住过的房子
昨天又接到一个问候的电话 禁不住又谈起那一段日子
曾经为了我 我失恋的伤痛 你们陪我流泪痛哭

多少次我们夜里漫步 谈谈人生与前途 多少次地酒後真情流露
而今我只能抱着吉他望着天空里星星无数唱着你们写下的爱情故事

I miss those days, and some people.