The Depths Of Shallowness

Drowning, Drowning in Cynicism; Drunk, Drunk with Sentimentality; Down, Down with Love; Dunked, Dunked in Life. Desperate Discourse. Disposable Desires. Dusky Dreams. Delirium. Dignity. Despair. Doubt. Duty. Dewy Days. Divine Divide. Dump Everything that Bothers in The Depths of Defiance. 《我的快樂時代》唱爛 才領悟代價多高昂 不能滿足不敢停站 然後怎樣 All Rights Reserved ©Angeline Ang

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Tempestuous. Intense. Proud. Intellectual. Easily Bored. Consummate Performer. Very Chinese. Very Charming. Fair. Pale. Long, Curly, Black Hair. BA(Hons). Literature. Philosophy. Japanese. Law. Dense in Relationships. Denser in All Else. Brooding. Sceptical. Condescending. Daria Morgendorffer meets Kitiara Uth Matar meets Ally McBeal. Always dreamy, always cynical, always elusive. Struggling writer, artist and student, in that order please.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

The Weeks My Blog Missed

If popular and highly sought after socialites were defined by the number of concerts and similarly theme-d events they attend, I must surely be the crème de la crème amongst chichi young debutantes this July season. Being dizzily charming and the occasional ditz win me huge favours.

Manhattan Transfer had one of the most understated stage-ings. Show production was very simple, stripped to the minimal possible. But the night was pleasantly spent, possibly because Mr Dimples was my companion, and that despite knowing less than 2% of the songs, I was quite enthralled by the singing gusto of the group, as well as the appreciative applause (damn loud and I feared for some of the audience, whose faces might split apart from the wide grinning). As I whispered to Mr Dimples, this is the dream response one always hopes for an event. Genuine fans, people on and off stage enjoying themselves, talented artistes who interact with the crowd and so on.

While I’m grateful for the exclusive invites to a sellout performance, Coldplay was dreadfully dull. And did I mention rabid fans actually bought $168 tickets to stand throughout the concert – okay if you are right in front of the stage but if you are at the most back? As in most back of the indoor stadium. The other end. That was how far the $168 standing area stretched – bizarre I tell you. I give the concert a close to perfect score for inventive lighting and show production though. It may have cost a million? My ears were far from impressed but my eyes were adoring and admiring throughout. 职业病, sigh.

Zpop 2006 came across more as a PR exercise for Jolin Tsai and the concert sponsors than a charity event (ostentatiously and obscenely so). She was the most insincere artiste, singing only songs from her latest album when she was already meant to be in Singapore for a separate promo tour. My wrath would have no limits had I actually paid to watch. Like c’mon, I do expect familiar songs: It’s a concert after all and I paid concert prices. Whereas Fish Leong is the kind of performer who is never stunning or surprising. Quietly elegant, her strength lies in transforming sheer schmaltz to acceptable sentimentality with minimal kitsch through her soothing vocals. Watching her perform earlier and latest hits, I conclude sadly that she is, even when at her peak, distressingly mediocre, cramped by her signature style. This is especially so when I compare her to 张信哲. While they are both famed for their ballads, 张信哲, just completely swept me away by his pristine singing. I have always known that he is an excellent singer, but goodness, to listen to him live, to hear him emote, what a fantastic treat!!! He totally, totally elevated the material (ie songs) to another level altogether, and I was in love. It was a KTV session participated by the masses as he sang 太想爱你、宽容、过火、从开始到现在 (my personal favourite of all time) and so on. He has the most stage presence and charisma of all four performers that night. Harlem Yu sang too few songs and I’m still trying to figure out why. And I have to say Zpop 2006 concert title reminds me of a porn flick: 熟男劲女 -_-"

Cabaret was surprising good, much, much better than a lot of the other musicals I had put myself insufferably through (Think West Side Story). It actually had a decent plot in the bigger schemata of things while being entertaining at the same time. People who came expecting the romp and risqué sort of things may scream foul. There were still sex, flesh and an unrecognizable Fei Xiang, but they may not suffice for people who had bought tickets for more. But who cares. I like it. Told Beatrice to her face that she had come a long way from her Shopping and Fucking days. And she has! The directing has become more subtle (Shopping and Fucking, her first directing debut, was pretentious and gave out inexplicable smug vibes of “whee, I’m out to shock! See me taking off my pants and jerking off!”. Which was what Chua Enlai did in front of me in 1999) and thus powerful. She’s able to bring out the best of a very able cast. Got her to autograph my program.

Finally, I thank Beautante for asking me to Hard Candy. All guys should watch it. 小心女人。

So ends a remarkable July season.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Shall We Talk

对我好对我好好到无路可退可是
我也很想有个人陪
才不愿把你得罪于是那么迂回

An axiom: The unfortunate thing about being friends with a guy is that you lose your brain (not heart, mind you, never, and not yet) and ineluctably wander off to the grossly gray area, be it an imagined hypothesis or a reality in denial.

一时进一时退保持安全范围

这个阴谋让我好惭愧

受被爱滋味却不让你想入非非

Mr Dimples called me just now and we chatted for an hour.

Conversation was flowing but I felt stressed.

Don’t ask me why. Perhaps I had expectations. That the call would lead to a purpose.

Like asking me out.

Which never happened in that hour.

I felt so stressed that I guided the conversation to a close. Hearing from him was really nice. Sweet. Pleasant. But going nowhere. And he didn’t seem to be ending. So that was kind of frustrating for me and I must pull the plug before I drown in my whirlpool of ridiculous thoughts.

不能推不能要要了怕你误会

让我想起曾经爱过谁

Monday, July 10, 2006

野百合也有春天

Today, Meihui, Minxiu and I finally had our threesome orgy again. Taking that into account, we have equaled our quota for the past two years, which is to meet once annually. Like I was telling them, it’s surprising how rarely we let our bits hang out, considering how well we do come together. If we ignore the mass gatherings, and the times we go out with each other instead of one another, the last couple of times we formed the scholarly (and therefore unholy) alliance tracked all the way back to 2004 and 2005. Like wah.

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And just for today, I’m gonna take back all the evil and not so nice things I’ve said about Minxiu to his face about why he’s doomed to a life of singlehood. He scored quite a few brownie points with me okay. You know how my baby sister is still an invalid for the time being and I have to do all the stuff I normally put her in charge? One of the pressing things to do is grocery shopping. And so, through

- accompanying me to the crazily packed NTUC in Tampines Mall
- carrying all my groceries
- with one hand somemore hor, don’t pray pray
- thus enabling some veins to pop out
- the other hand holding the umbrella (yes, the skies were pouring)
- driving me home
- taking the groceries from the car and sheltering me with the umbrella
- escorting me all the way to the lift


my friend, whom I have consistently poked fun of and shook my head at, has earned a chop of approval and credit mention on this blog. Okay, now that you have got all the gentlemanly and charmingly pleasing ways pat down, it’ll be great if you can “concede,” and lay off the conceit. Please.

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I love my friends :)

Sunday, July 09, 2006

我不能我怎么会愿意承认你是我不该爱的人

Friday was a madhouse. I was called back to office in the middle of lunch hour for an emergency shoot at 3pm. And then with a “we’ve no time left!”, I was promptly whisked off to the hill despite my feeble protests that I have no ready script. “Do it on the way there! We have to leave office by 2pm!” Quite exciting really, because this is an extra curricular activity, over and on top of my usual responsibilities. Nor am I complaining (I’m seriously thrilled albeit tired), for this is fun and effortless work for me. I’m no trailer producer by training but I have learnt on the way and the 2.5hours passed easily. It gives me a high to see my commercials aired on TV and celebrities reading my lines, just like how entire paragraphs are used in news reports from my press releases. Never mind that only a handful is aware who the author behind the works is.

Returned to the office to do more emergency work *crisis alert* and left only at 8.30pm. I passed out dutifully on my bed like the good girl that I am by the next hour and skipped the impromptu 9pm primary school gathering.

More work-related thoughts: In the case of the suspended blogger, I am extremely tempted to tell myself that’s why I am only one foot through the door. I cannot be a formal reporter and they know way ahead of me why. Yes, that makes perfect sense. I see with clarity now.

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Woke up today feeling extremely deprived and determined to make full use of the Saturday. Managed to get jeans with diamantes and bras. Total damage: $300.

Watched She’s The Man in the name of escapism and went to 爱情海
for soul searching.

They played many songs that I like.

Incidentally, they did play 童话 and I really, really hate this song. It has this annoying refrain and lyrics that make me shudder. I don’t know why guys like it or use it as an authenticated, meaningful expression of intent, if they do. In short, why this as a theme song of your life at all. I think Mr Dimples loves it too. Sometime back, he texted to insist I listen to and upload it for him. Intentionally or otherwise (referring to both me and him), I replied I like第一次 best. Now how ironically relevant is that, how you insist to read further and deeper.

They sang me my requests 你怎么舍得我难过 and Eason Chan’s 预感

The former was the song that made me see another in a whole new light so long ago.

And I know I have not contacted him despite all my yearnings to and saying that I would.

I can only bring myself to listen to our songs. That’s my biggest concession.

May I think dearly about someone even if he does not have me on his mind?


Then again, with an ego like mine, I must be believing he still adores me in some way for me to even type so shamelessly a pathetic entry of desire.

为你等 从一开始盼到现在 也同样落得不可能
我不能 我怎么会愿意承认 你是我不该爱的人

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Twentysomething

After years of expensive education
A car full of books and anticipation
I’m an expert on Shakespeare and that’s a hell of a lot
but the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

*

Walking past a series of shops in Bintan that looked just like one another, I paused slightly and the eyes flitted with interest over a long tanned arm with veins. It was drawing and attached to a browner naked torso. Hmmm. Very nice. And he was incredibly talented. I love his paintings, especially the one of a naked girl in rich yellow meadows, deep in thought (or was she missing someone). It costs only S$80. I would have paid without haggling, and perhaps upped it, except I don’t have that much on me. I paid him with compliments instead of cash and he was shyly pleased. And I walked away, with an impending sense of loss. Tragically and dramatically so, I am much aware too, that I had failed to make a difference in an artist’s life when I could, if I tried harder.

I told Mr I-would-be-a-painter-when-I-retired Dimples about the young Bintan painter who sells his art cheaply. What a waste of talent that is and my regrets that I did not buy, and thus, did not own, except in digital possession of the first piece of art that had meant something to me. Maybe I would just commission you to paint that for me, said I upon showing him what I had poorly captured. Later on, Mr Dimples, with slight hesitation, mentioned he could be going to Bintan and I was, of course, extremely happy to hear this. You have to buy it for me!!!!

It can be so simple, right, I asked him rhetorically. Just to go somewhere and paint and write for a living and not worrying incessantly about a material(istic) lifestyle. Don’t even have to go Scotland! Bintan will do fine. But Mr Dimples is not me (he will be anchored for at least another four more years?). The indentured servitude ends in a year’s time and Real Life, which has been kept in abeyance, can finally begin. There are no more timelines, unless I were to sign for more, and no longer can I blame anything or anyone but myself. It’s liberating, and scarily sobering too. I can’t just fuck around anymore but settle down, or is it really the other way round.

I’m really no different from the Beckys, Dorotheas or Madame Bovarys inhabiting and imbibing The Novel. They who think they are heroines of another breed and so richly deserve to be saved. After all, there can only be one Elizabeth and one Mr Darcy. Trying to seek solace in literature, whether it’s the English or French novel, is the pathway to ruin. I’m halfway there with my penchant to ruminate excessively.


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Love ain’t the answer nor is work
The truth alludes me so much it hurts
But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.