The Depths Of Shallowness

Drowning, Drowning in Cynicism; Drunk, Drunk with Sentimentality; Down, Down with Love; Dunked, Dunked in Life. Desperate Discourse. Disposable Desires. Dusky Dreams. Delirium. Dignity. Despair. Doubt. Duty. Dewy Days. Divine Divide. Dump Everything that Bothers in The Depths of Defiance. 《我的快樂時代》唱爛 才領悟代價多高昂 不能滿足不敢停站 然後怎樣 All Rights Reserved ©Angeline Ang

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Location: Singapore

Tempestuous. Intense. Proud. Intellectual. Easily Bored. Consummate Performer. Very Chinese. Very Charming. Fair. Pale. Long, Curly, Black Hair. BA(Hons). Literature. Philosophy. Japanese. Law. Dense in Relationships. Denser in All Else. Brooding. Sceptical. Condescending. Daria Morgendorffer meets Kitiara Uth Matar meets Ally McBeal. Always dreamy, always cynical, always elusive. Struggling writer, artist and student, in that order please.

Friday, April 28, 2006

The Political Is Also Personal

5 years later, with new companions in tow and a series of fresh faces to watch out for, and more rallies to attend (yay!), I can afford to look upon the past indulgently. I was indignant then, that it was all about the bread and butter. What about some jam and its lesser known (and also less yummy) counterpart marmalade, I wondered, and why bread, and not rice. Arts, youth, elitism, and education and some less lofty but no less dreamy ideals were all I could believe in. Nevertheless, I must credit Mr Veins for making me political, as we support different policies - we were constantly justifying positions. It’s about the fundamentals, he insisted and shook his head at my amazement why local politics were so, well, parochial. There must be something that goes beyond these, I looked sadly at him.

Well, it could still be about bread and butter. I don’t deny the staples are important, especially now that I’m older and exposed to shit big-time. But is that a whiff of cheese I smell in the air? Some fresh cream too? And rare sightings of scones? Older, and all the more do I believe there are oh so many ways to live and to lead.

*

So instead of the class gathering, Mr Dimples, YQ, one stranger male colleague of theirs and I are attending the rally tonight.

For all you smart folks out there, no prizes for guessing which one we are going to.

Like bloody obvious lor.

*

I shall end with my favourite tagline: The Personal Is Political.

*

No, I shall end with my best wishes for a friend. In life and law, may you be lovingly entwined forever. Please give generously to the 姐妹团 tomorrow. I know YQ’s evil suggestion. DO NOT TAKE IT UP.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The WTF Moment Of The Week

It's only Monday. But I already have my WTF moment of the week. This is getting ridiculous. I dare say heavyweight forces are conspiring against me.

I was working at Raffles Place during lunch hour today for a bout of promotional activities out of team spirit and genuine fondness for a colleague. Which translated, simply means it was by enormous chance I was there.

Half an hour into the job, Mr Dimples sms-ed to inform me of a primary class gathering for the coming Fri at the usual hangout. My first thought was wah lau, so I will be seeing him twice on consecutive days. Since we are watching West Side story on the immediate Sat as well. But, thought I, let’s kiv first.

15 minutes later, it was a surreal WTF moment as I saw Mr Dimples walking towards me, and smiling to boot.Oh my god, this is not happening!! And I looked super unglam lor.

He: Saw your company logo and I was thinking you could be here. And true enough, here you are!

Me: No kidding man. Why are you even here in the first place?

Mr Dimples, clad in a short sleeved shirt and berms and in Crocs flip flops, was looking very, very good.He was burnt to a crisp, and I was quite taken by the dimpled masculine form towering over me.

And, praise the Lord, are those veins that I’m seeing on his arms?

I’m seeing a lot of things today. WTF.

Turns out Mr Dimples is on leave today. He has just returned from a Tioman trip (which explained the manly tan).Just so happens he decides to explore the Shenton way area on his day off. And therefore, we are even meeting at all.

This is too much. *clutches* My heart. Surreal. Ridiculously surreal.

We chatted for a while and parted. And I was going WTF, WTF internally.

When I ended my stint at Raffles, it was already 2pm. Hmm. I needed lunch. And, yes, so, I called him.

He said he hadn’t eaten either and he’s still nearby.So we met at Raffles City and plonked ourselves at Mos Burger and yakked away.

WTF!?!?!?

Nevertheless, it’s a good opening to the week.

And I just can’t, still can’t, believe I had lunch with Mr Dimples on a working Monday!! It’s like, WTF FUCKING SCARY!! HOW THE HELL DID WE EVEN MANAGE TO BUMP INTO EACH OTHER AT ALL!!!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Boy Friends & Boyfriends II

(Otherwise titled: I don’t Wanna Be A Stupid Girl)

Where, oh where, have the smart people gone?

Oh where, oh where could they be?

Seriously, there are excellent reasons (like totally, totally intelligent and prudent ones that would easily triumph over the totally, totally vicious accusations and allegations hurled at you by the most withered of prudes) to sustain close relations with the opposite sex. You are being very naïve to deny yourself of such pleasurable and pleasing attractions (NB: The following obviously applies to both sexes but for the ease of writing, I shall be writing in the capacity representing my gender). Here are two bright reasons why you should always keep a close pool of the opposite sex friends to bring on the sparkles (and sustain the sparks of course) in a romantic liaision:

1. An iota (perhaps up to x10 the amount) of jealousy and competition will always be healthy. Knowing that you are good friends with other men means he will always be keeping in mind your attractiveness and options. He will hesitate to treat you shabbily and in fact compare himself to your male friends, so as to ensure that at the barest minimal, he’s on par with them. Which is good news for the ladies, but please, do surround yourself with decent male friends ie rich, handsome, kind, intellectual etc etc. Such that he feels positively threatened in a way that is only beneficial and advantageous to yourself. Do not, at any time, self-sabotage your standards by allowing him to catch you befriending someone who is Bad News. Your boyfriend might get the idea he is too good boyfriend material for you, or that he can be casual ie shabby and you will still take him as he is.

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl

2. Who knows how long this latest relationship can last. Yes, I may be the last surviving romantic cynic but trust me, you can’t sit around to wait for a guy to make the first move, or even to propose, if you have miserably committed yourself to that extent. Life goes on. You just have to keep living too. Suppose your relationship ends, and you have cut off all ties with previous male friends, hell, will you still look for them? I can’t bring myself to, not when I have dumped them so unceremoniously for a boyfriend, even if they claim to understand. Which means you have no male friends!!! And that brings a whole load of new problems into the picture.

For hanging out with male friends means you still get to be tei2 and cutesy and unreasonable, and be comfortable with your sexuality around men. You still feel loved and cared for and secure in the validation of your charms and attractions. You get to be feminine without the baggage of a relationship. Now, imagine, no male friends at all. I shudder. Forgetting entirely how to interact in male presence is one thing. You have no concrete grounding of the male perspective, no real-life practical practices. Worse, you may neglect to remember you are the attractive and charming creature and sink deep into the recesses of self-pity: where have all the men gone? They didn’t go just anywhere, darling. You kicked them outta your life based on what your (ex)boyfriend likes. And you so deserve your pathetic circumstance.

*

In any case, if the boyfriend still objects to my seeing the boy friends, we have to work through the why nots. Is it insecurity, lack of trust, previous bad experiences, what. Don’t blame me for your issues or complex. I don’t restrict you. Why do it to me. I certainly hope you can come into my life without tearing apart the other bits I like. You are the compliment and a complement to my life. Before we can commit for sure that you do make Life whole, it’s too early to destroy the original cycle for this bizarre renaissance to take place.

I'm so glad that I'll never fit in
That will never be me
Outcasts and girls with ambition
That's what I wanna see

Girls, please don’t fall into the trap of isolating yourself in the name of Love.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Boy Friends & Boyfriends

If my boyfriend had close girl friends and were to continue to maintain close ties, it is very hard for me to imagine myself kicking up a fuss. After all, I would want to keep my own close guy friends by my side. Especially when I have known all of them before he comes into my life. It’s plain ridiculous to stop seeing them just because he says so. Mr Dimples and I discussed this issue before and I’m afraid we stand firmly on opposing ends for this. Like TakChek, he does expect some “decorum” and I don’t understand this insistence. The very least, he pointed out, was to let him know that you are going out with another guy in advance. My view was that I shouldn’t be alarming the boyfriend especially if he is of the paranoid nature. I can tell him, but more as an aftermath. And that’s mostly because if he attempts to stop me and starts to freak out, I will really be quite annoyed. It would be cute if he’s only half-pretending to mind but scary for me if he means business.

On the other hand, it would be very sad if my guy friends stop hanging out with me simply because they are attached and their girlfriends say to stop seeing me on a one-to-one basis. That, of course, can easily happen. Not every girl is as generous and understanding as me. I only hope whoever he is, he can allow me as much freedom as I can give him.

But why would tongues start wagging? Especially when I already have an existing pool of close male friends whom I go out with. If they wag, it’s because I’m hanging out with you, the new guy on the block okay.

Some Tips from The Non-Expert:

1. Seriously, the whole becoming-close-to-a-guy-who-is-not-the-boyfriend is only endangering when it happens after you have a boyfriend. Guys whom your girlfriend are existing good friends with are relatively harmless and non-threatening, like really. They would have been together if otherwise. They are also most likely to beat you up if you bully her.

2. The trick to avoid things getting murky between a guy and a girl who are platonic friends (and who would like to stay that way) to begin with, is to never, never, never discuss relationship issues on a one-to-one basis. Never talk about ex-es, never, never exchange views on Love and Sex. By openly sharing your thought on these popular subjects, you have just made it easier for each other to develop a naturally neutral-to-begin-with affinity and understanding as the foundation to build upon further should you find the other party attractive through virtue of his/her perspective, history and background. This sharing is an intimate invite to erm… sin.

3. State clearly this is purely platonic from the start. But this doesn’t work always for guys – could be an ego thing. I used to go out with Mr Vein’s law school senior like every week. He’d call me out for movies, dinners, even on weekdays, and we have agreed this was just purely platonic. No matter how often we hang out, we know this stays a strictly friendship deal. Unfortunately, it failed because he kinda bailed out, in a way. So. I think the problem lies with guys, really. Girls can make the friendship work, as long as the guys don’t make it weird.


What if the girl tells you calmly to please accept that she treasures her friendships with the opposite sex and it matters greatly such ties are maintained?

Saturday, April 22, 2006

默读伤悲

Over lunch at Straits Kitchen, Grand Hyatt today, I peeled prawns for the first time in my life for a man after much rolling of the eyes. Context, as if it matters, was that the cook had bestowed me with 4 huge prawns when everyone else had one and one only. He was the odd person who hadn’t had the prawn(s), and would only eat them if he doesn’t have to peel. I couldn’t finish my prawns so eventually after peeling them, I left them on a plate as free for anyone. He took them all!

I was quite amazed that he ate them despite the grubby fingers that had pawed them just before.

To reciprocate, he gallantly served me all the food I professed to like and declared loudly he took everything for me and I must赏脸+领情+给面子 - I took this especially for you, you know.

Company lunches are only fun when you are politically incorrect. It was a cosy and informal setting that brought out the best in people, not unlike that of a ktv lounge, except we have replaced the smoke and drink vice with the greatest evil of them all ie food.

Talk centering self-wanking and food fetishes dominated the table.

I am stuffed. And obviously, I’m still bored.

*

I was quite stressed at work for 5 consecutive hours yesterday because I don’t have connections. Until I realized, silly, silly me, I’m not taking advantage of the fact I do know people in the inner circles who are even more connected and will be happy to provide me the necessary. So the stress has temporarily subsided. This is supposed to be The Big One for me if I Clinched It and Made It Mine.

*

How do you stop thinking about something. How do you live, when the one thing to do, is the thing beyond you. How tragic is Life when everything you do, is so to avoid thinking; doing anything about Something Else.

*

亲爱的,不停繁殖的无知一直在重蹈覆辙。一切雷同,仅巧合吗?

重复性过高的循环,我希望能抽离。

我必须宣布我的笨拙和畏缩。

我只了解自己的寂寞,其他的,我不愿置评,因为我不要再揣摩。

用庸俗和欲望去酝酿出来的胡思乱想会搅糊其中的鲜明。

我记得之前的坚强、自信和谎言。

如今,我唯有悲哀地、本能地认清无法驱逐出界的不知所措,一直都潜伏在身心。

我已无药可救。

亲爱的,我要如何抽离过去,原谅早年的振振有词,当你还是所有的梦寐以求,而其实你什么都不是。

这样的过失让我感到窘迫,因为它似乎预言了我有重复错误的迹象。

我曾犯过,所以,我有本事再使历史重现。

主角的更换不会改写故事千篇一律的无可奈何。

亲爱的,告诉我,什么是天渊之别,什么叫公平的竞争,我和他,跟我和你,能相提并论吗?

*

I wrote the Chinese portion in 2001. That was 5 years ago.

重复性过高的循环,我希望能抽离。

主角的更换不会改写故事千篇一律的无可奈何。


And eventually - 这样的他只会令我厌恶,就象我现在厌恶你一样。

It scares me, you know. That I am, still where I was, 5 years ago.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

The Art Of Flirting

Via email correspondence

Me: I want, I want. Give me, give me.

HR No 2 management: Wah, you want The Art of Flirting movie passes ah? Flirt with who har?

Me: You lor. Flirt already then you give me the passes mah.

HR No 2 management: Aiyo. You flirt with wrong person liao. Go and flirt with my boss.

Shortly after

Via email correspondence

HR No 1 management: Oi you got go and ballot for tickets anot. It’s because of your feedback that we have this, you know.

Me: Wah you accept my suggestion. Got prize anot. Don’t care, I want The Art of Flirting movie passes.

And later – yes – the movie passes to this coveted movie screening (one pair exclusive up for grabs only okay!! To date, it is full house ie got money also cannot buy you entrance) were mine!!!

*

Nearing the end of the press conference, I was left in the room with two male reporters. One – Guy A - was someone I knew for a while from previous shows, and the other – Guy B – was newly acquainted today. We were all around the same age so can talk very freely.

Me to Guy B: Wah so what you write about? How come I never see you before?

Guy B: I review food.

Me: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA so nice.

Guy A *CUTTING IN*: I also got review food what.

Me to Guy A: Wheregot. You only review shows mah.

Guy A *indignantly while Guy B looks amused*: Got!!!

Me to Guy A & B: okay then you two very the good lor. I never get to eat. See *gestures grandly* usually I only get to eat the leftovers, if there are any left. Don’t care, next time you *looks appealingly at Guy B* take me to restaurants when got food review and you *finger stabs Guy A* take me when you review shows, and to the rare random restaurant you claim to sometimes review.

Guy A & B: Okay!

*

I’m bored. And yes, we speak Singlish extremely well. And we lapse into it intentionally, even at press conferences when with the right mix of people. It’s always fun to be beng-ish and lian-ish now and then. Singlish also happens to be a nice language to flirt in. With the lah, lor, meh, it’s very tei2, like the Taiwanese cute-speak what. I like.

I want, I want. Everything also I want. Can.


I''M BORED!!!!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

When Nothing Stays Nothing

I think I have succeeded in what I had wanted to achieve last week (read: foiled attempt previously due to freak accident): Through social interaction in a foursome of the 3 guys + 1 girl combination, I have effectively crushed out any budding saplings of *gasp* romance and things will return to normal, like right now. I can’t really explain how I manage to carry out the self-sabotage but trust me, we have come to the end of the graying and are back to black and white transmission. I can feel it. I apologise to my friends for the false hopes and expectations.

Did I regret? Only for a surreal moment when it was revealed his close friend did not just lend me SPL, but had bought it expressly for me in Malaysia because he remembered I had missed it. It was a gift to me. Did it reflect the hopes and expectations of another concerned friend? The whole 爱屋及乌 thing.

I must admit to a perverse delight of razing down something when it is too prolonged-ly 暧昧. I feel this compelling need to end its sad spluttering life. Of course, this time round, I simply, overreact. I like his company and I don't want the possibility of it heading that way to be constantly looming over my head like it's gonna weep crazy emotions and wrecking my already wrecked thoughts as it is.


In any case, what aided in tonight’s quantum leap was the intellectual whore theory
.

See, Minxiu. I have been purged of torrid affairs and wicked wild guesses and wicked-er hypotheses. So. I guess Life is back to being boring again, for better and for worse.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Here We Go Again

Well, just as I thought Mr Dimples and I can have a well-deserved break from each other after going out for four consecutive weekends, well, I was wrong okay.

We are meeting on Monday for dinner as a foursome with our mutual guy friends (who are actually more my friends than his). Only moments ago did I realise it was YQ’s birthday, and so over msn, we chatted and talked casually at first of his birthday. Nevertheless, he was thrilled to hear I had a dinner voucher to be utilized at Carnivore @Chijimes. If we dine 4 pax, we get a complimentary bottle of red or white wine worth $60 on the house. Naturally the usual four people were roped in with his birthday as the perfect pretext to pig out. The bill was to be split between Mr Dimples, Ryan and myself, and the birthday man will monopolise the wine.

Mr Dimples: This must be the most expensive dinner I’ve eaten so far, not counting wedding dinners of course.

*V0*: (you mean, not counting the dinners you paid for two people in full? :X)

Me: Wait wait. The dinner can be at zero cost to you. I can gallantly pay your share.

*V0*: (for obvious reasons)

Mr Dimples: It’s nice to have debtors. You do realise that you still owe me tens of hundreds right.

Me: I’m sure your vivid imagination comes in handy during defense simulation. In any case, you do realise some things are priceless right.

*
Yay. I suddenly feel lighter (and damn yoga has nothing to do with this) now I can pay him back. I think, we are, most definitely, just good friends. Which means I shouldn’t be caught up in the reading of signs at all. There is nothing to read.

Feel Your Eyeballs Sink Deep Into Your Sockets

Accomplishment: Attended 3 classes at Planet Fitness for the first time.

Attire: Modestly clad in a thin, pink Abercrombie and Fitch tee and blue Puma running pants.
Because

a) Cannot find my red sports bra.
b) Reluctant to test-wear the blue furry adidas tube top as it may cut off my breathing midway.
c) Strapless bra still rules. Yes, amazingly, mine kept pace and did a decent job of keeping The Others in place. Marks and Spencers are good.

Culture (shock but expected lah): Most girls are out to bare as much skin as possible, wearing the skimpiest and tightest of clothing when doing the rounds. Hell, I feel so conservative as I carefully avert my eyes to areas more covered up, like the towel so casually tossed aside. Especially in the locker room where girls do strut openly in the nude. Ahhh, there’s a boob popping out from the towel!! It’s not safe to look at towels!! Well, excuse my unworldliness. I am Chinese.

Guys, on the other hand, are sloppily attired. I don’t see any hunks around. Well, no man with veins of a passable standard, for that matter. Quite disappointing, really. I only see short or stout men there today, and that’s really not the physique I can lust after. Many girls with great bodies (even if they have more mediocre looks). In a nutshell, guys with raging hormones must sign up for gym membership.

Review of classes –

Body Attack: I was quite uncoordinated lor. But I had my good moments. There were some steps that were very similar to the TJC mass dances (Think The Sign & Coco Jumbo) and so I like to think I execute those stylistically before I stumble again. Haha.

Cycle Challenge (known as spinning in California Fitness): I hurt down there. ‘Nuff said. Otherwise everything was do-able. Minchao said it must be I exert pressure on the wrong places ie the bulk of my weight must be on my butt. Hmmm. I would beg to differ but I need a bicycle to test the allegations first.

Body Balance, which in layman’s terminology means simply Yoga: Wah, now I can finally claim to have done yoga. Yeah. I was bad, man. Honestly, I’m quite inflexible. Look, I have difficulty reaching my toes. Yoga ain’t my thing ‘cos it’s slow and I’m impossibly impatient. Most importantly, I’m just too conscious of my consciousness, to get lost and be one with Nature. Hell, I can’t connect. During the last 5 minutes, we were practicing relaxation techniques. Which was okay ‘cos I get to lie down on the mat, close my eyes and be a corpse. Minchao, who was conducting the class, played soothing music, and said the usual (with all due respect) stuff about feeling oneself getting light, merging with the earth. So I was listening (too hard, perhaps)and doing my best to float and get airy-fairy, when she suddenly went “feel your eyeballs sinking deep into your eye sockets” in her gentle Nature tirade and I was like “WTF!?” It was all I could do not to crack up. Unfortunately, it seems I’m the only one trying to control laughing urges. The rest of yoga-ers were imminently lost to reality. WTF. I’m one disturbed individual. Why can’t I connect with Nature???


Anyway, I can’t believe I went to the gym!!! Surreal. I will probably go again next Sunday. Just so not to waste the one week complimentary pass. Hope there are more guys with veins of passable standards then.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Of Moves & Muses

Dashing Diva emailed to say I could sign up for any five dance classes of my choice anytime absolutely free at this new ladies only fitness club. Classes offered include hip hop, striptease and MTV (!?) dance. You know what, with the proliferation of dance movies like Mad Hit Ballroom and Take The Lead (which I just watched today) fanning an existing more-than-a-passing-fancy sort of interest, it’s only a matter of time before the impossible happens: that I sign up for the first exercise class in my life.

Anyhow, if things proceed as planned, I will be heading to Planet Fitness with Minchao on Sunday to move my ass (also the inaugural visit to a commercial gym), and everywhere else to get a sense of what a proper workout entails. My friend, who is a trainer/instructor there, will guide me through the moves. I thought I better put this down on record in the event I chicken out. I do have my handy reasons. Not having a proper gym bag, and gym wear, for that matter. Then there’s the general lethargy. I have been sleeping late lately and surviving on an average 5 hours of sleep. Would be nice to sleep naturally for 10 hours at a stretch instead of concussing due to fatigue and aching bones. Of course, the inordinate amount of time spent jumping round indecently and kicking air can also be more fruitfully used. Will also make another trip to New Urban Male. I dropped my earring there the last time and the guy called today. Nice.

*

My workplace is shaping up to be interesting and I have been empowered to do stuff. If only there were more hours in a day!

And right now, I’m dying to pen down all these thoughts in Chinese. Surprisingly, I could spin stories (I carry paper and pen everywhere for this past week), even though I don’t have a muse (Yes, I usually require one in order to write), well, unless recycling a discarded one counts. I’m only too grateful to write. The means don’t matter, so long as I get the words out.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

He Did Pay For The Dinner, I Felt Obligated

Since I’m such a repressed creature unwilling and unable to perform gestures of any particular magnitude and significance that may possibly shed light on how I feel (I wouldn’t want to know myself) towards a person apart from being warmly friendly - which barely allows for differentiation - I have gone on a shopping spree at New Urban Male. I bought three girl sized tees which I hope will help in my liberation through the wearing of the taglines.

Tee 1 reads No Car, No Condo, No Chance

Tee 2 reads My Tshirt Looks Best On Your Bedroom Floor

Tee 3 reads He Did Pay For The Dinner, I Felt Obligated

No prizes for guessing which Tee reminded me of Mr Dimples at first sight, such that I had an irrepressible urge to own it immediately for future flash and confide. In fact, I couldn’t resist sms-ing him subsequently that I bought this Tee precisely for the reason I was reminded of him. He said he really hopes it looks nice. I didn’t reply, ‘cos I can’t continue. Don’t know why, but I kinda became deflated upon subsequent reflection on the plausible meanings. The Tee will be amusing if he had a sense of humour. Then again, upon closer reading, it could be taken negatively. Which means…bummer. Waste my $$$. Fine. I will just be rude then.

New Urban Male rocks, nevermind its reputation as a gay shop. It carries great tops (no pun intended). The guys working there were okay, not particularly cute but helpful and thoughtful. So I have found a new place to squander more $$. Yay! To liberation!!!


Long-suffering companion of the day: Minxiu, who has to endure the indignities of being treated like the pseudo boyfriend – aiyo, this looks nicer on me, or this one – and some more in a shop that he comes across as somewhat shy in. Still, that's only justified karma for maintaining a boring blog. Can you please blog more salacious stuff.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

A Musical, A University, A Library & A Restaurant

So on Sunday we zipped off to this halal yong tau foo stall along East Coast first for a quick lunch. I made a face. I hate yong tau foo, hate, hate, but I told him I could eat it once in the bluest of moons, so as not to be difficult.

It was quite fun picking the items, if only I didn’t have to eat them. Basically, we just took for each other what we believed to be nice (for me, I picked whatever looked edible). I ordered mine with a special sauce (yes, drown those things!!!), different from his and I watched in horrid fascination as my friend picked the choicest and yummiest item (one and only) in my opinion from my plate and popped it into his mouth when he said he wanted to try my order.

Me: Oi, I happen to like that piece very much okay. You also have it on your plate what. Why you take mine?

He: Wah lau, why you never stop me?

Me: I can’t believe you actually just ate it!

He: =_=”

Me: You could have just used a spoon and scooped the sauce what. Hmph.

Haha. Anyway, when the bill came, I was like “no, no wait, I will pay, I insist” and hurriedly whipped up my wallet. Unfortunately the bill came to only $12, which hardly offsets my debt.

He: *raised eyebrow* why you want to pay?

Me: Wah lau, I cannot owe you too much money okay.

He: You do realise my exorbitant interest rates huh.

*

Then we headed to the city to catch The Producers. Yes, we sat in those couple seats. But me, ever the mindful about how not to encourage without being discouraging, blithely tossed out that oh yeah, Minxiu and I had tried those when we watched Rent before he could get any wrong idea. Well, he could still get another wrong idea (even though I highly doubt it) but it’s still less wrong than the other prospective wrong idea when things are stubbornly in the gray.

Subsequently, we made a detour to the SMU for our virginal visit. Nice. The guy toilet stinks like hell though. Why are gents always so stinky??? (yes, I sneaked into the gents)

And finally off to the library. We were amazed at the sheer volume of reference books not for loan and the number of books kept under lock and key for display purposes on the shelves (I didn’t even feel like browsing through, such was the deterrence, have to ask for unlocking). At these levels, we spend more time by the window pane and attempting to figure which building was which at a distance as well as to surmise intellectually about architectural artifacts the best we could.

As an aside, I borrowed (using his card) Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy. Yes, I’m going to tackle this novel next and this is part of the valiant attempt to cover all the literature classics that I have missed out during my more youthful days.

Would you like to have dinner, he asked, before catching himself and adding, oh, but you need to go to Minxiu’s place.

Now it was 6.30pm when we finished exploring the library. I looked at him. The thought of having dinner together was very appealing. The girlfriends were leaving Minxiu’s place. By the time I get there, there would be very few, if any, people I do know. Plus I wanted to do some work and in order to fully discharge my social obligations as a good friend, I foresee myself staying for over an hour at the housewarming party. Even if I cabbed to and fro, I estimate that home will only be a possibility by 9pm. Well. That’s kinda late to start work.

So, in the end, I went off for dinner with him. Which isn’t too terrible if you buy my reasons. But it was terri-terrible when I found myself home only at 10.30pm. Shit man. With the wisdom of hindsight, go Minxiu’s place will reach home faster.

We ate at Tao’s, a place I’ve long wanted to try. Yummy. We had the best of both worlds: having the main courses in air-conditioned comfort and our desserts and exotic teas alfresco with decent live Chinese pop in the background. Ah, bliss. This is life. Lovely food, charming companion, good music. I can face the world again with vigour once more after I’ve soaked in all these.

I’m sorry to announce that he paid. What’s a girl gotta do in these circumstances. Protest? I could, but too much protest and insistence might give rise to wrong ideas, right. And the last thing I want is to sponge off. I did the next best and un-awkward thing to do. At the end of it, I thanked him for the day and said that I am keeping track of the snowballing amount. He reminded me it has hit $500. For the record, I believe it’s $140, for now. Well, I suppose he can be my escort for Grease and we will be quits.


I just like to say I do feel slightly improved. Most of the stress has miraculously vaporized. I’m happy to know my friends still love me, in spite of my nonsense. Thanks, Meihui and Minxiu!!

Nevertheless: Am I doing the right things? Am I signaling right? Or heavens forbid, are neon lights the only way to go? If so, may I kill myself first?

Best Friend brought up a good point when she pointed out that as Mr Dimples was never literary or a lit student to begin with, his signals should not be screwed up. There is no such thing as irony and paradox and the unorthodox. Everything quite clear what.

In other words, what I see is what I get. He means exactly what he is intending to mean.

Well. I shall call it a night and stop here.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

最好的时光 II

亲爱的,他再善解人意,也不会意识到一个毫无杀伤力的举动所引发的震憾。简单体贴的小动作,如加快步伐温柔的为我把门推开,竟也能让我不由自主地想起你。我始终惊讶为何你们的背影如此相似。我和他,以相同的频率自然的走在一起。不过,望着他修长的身段,我顿时困惑,为你不在身旁而深感懊恼。渐渐的,我刻意放慢速度,成了他身后的女人。

你们,真的很像。不过也是点到为止。你从不松懈,即使我负气地与你背道而驰。看,多快,他已紧张地回头了。没多久,我和他,又以相同的频率自然的走在一起。亲爱的,和他在一起,我变得轻盈脱俗,有别你我的乌烟瘴气。那种鬼祟、畏缩的日子,我早已脱离。如今,我习惯光明正大的在一起,习惯被呵护,也习惯得理直气壮。

是的,那段默默跟在你身后的日子已变得抽象。可是我竟莫名的伤感起来,甚至有些许的怀念。亲爱的,我都忘了我们无法在一起的原因。

只是,亲爱的,我好想你。

我常常告诉自己,这是过度期,我无需太自责。毕竟,很多事,是多么力不从心,我最清楚。

我也常常幻想假如有一种一劳永逸的方法,让我能彻底的把你想完、想透,会有多好。

亲爱的,我除了想你,还是想你。

和他在一起,有时会觉得,好像你从没离开过我。

Monday, April 10, 2006

最好的时光

It’s with horror that I write I will be going out later with Mr Dimples ALONE.

YQ has apologized profusely about not being able to turn up because he has forgotten he has 清明 commitments for the whole of today. It was a perfectly valid reason, but I was so horrified at the sudden prospect of being left alone with Mr Dimples that I became unreasonably tempestuous. Told him off that it was unacceptable for the last minute notice and therefore sorry not accepted - and cruelly that you, my friend, are not very dependable, are you.

We were supposed to go out as a foursome, with Ryan in tow. And I had such beautiful well-laid plans. Sigh. Namely to use my dining vouchers at some posh hotel and to eradicate (for me) any stressful ideas about Mr Dimples and I through the social setting and interaction. Unfortunately, such cannot be the case now. Ryan has professed an irrational fear of social threesomes, which I know it as an outrageous lie ‘cos YQ and us had gone out as a troublesome three before. But I do understand where he’s coming from, being someone who’s a constant worrier of group dynamics and since nothing I say can convince him otherwise, I gave up and cave in to reality: yes, me and him, alone. Face it!! So, more stressed than ever. Boo!

And so we are going to visit The Library and catch The Producers, the former upon his suggestion, of which I was rather impressed.

Me: Wah. I must confess I have only been there twice and it was to attend theatre productions held at the Drama Centre. Never have I checked out the book selections. I’m an embarrassment to my literary heritage and pedigree.

He: I’ve only been there twice. Both were unplanned trips. Both were for the aircon.

Me: Looks like we’ll be third time lucky then.

*

In the parallel universe, I’ve also been going out with Minxiu, but with absolutely no stress. Haha. I know. No comparison here. We just watched 侯孝贤 ‘s 《最好的时光 》 at The Picturehouse. It was an okay movie, not particularly brilliant, but I am forgiving to movies that pay tribute to youth, nostalgia and love. See most of you at Minxiu’s housewarming party later. Mr Dimples knows I’m abandoning him after the movie but I did say (flippantly, of course!) he could come along to check out a sample of The Bachelor Pad if he wants.

In response to comments from the previous post that “the limbo rock times will be nice memories”, I leave you with the movie tagline:

什么才是“最好的时光”?是那种永远不会重来的巨大的幸福。我们怀念它,不是因为那美好的一刻,相反,因为我们永远失去了它,我们只能从回忆里寻找它的踪迹,这才是它之所以无限美好的原因。

*

In other weekly news, I attended the Grease press conference. I also bought my first ever pack of cigarettes. Went KTV @PartyWorld with a friend and apparently the sheer amusement of seeing me buy that on his behalf is worth $30 (“no need to pay me lah, you can buy me cigarettes”). So I basically sang for $9.60, ‘cos that’s how much the pack costs, which I find to be a decent deal.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

How Not To Encourage Without Being Discouraging

In Monday night’s Dear Diary delayed telecast:

This is insane. I’m a nutcase. For the last couple hours, I’ve been agonizing over the most parochial of matters: How Not To Encourage (without a more pristine understanding of what’s going on) Without Being Discouraging. Since I don’t really know what’s going on or on his mind, for that matter, I don’t wish to think anymore about it myself (the proverbial office line comes in useful here: KIV lah) and overread and overreact. I shall Be Natural. But what if being natural is read by the other party as a discouraging sign, that I’m not friendlier, that I have no bigger response to match the bigger gestures. How-to-not-encourage-without-being-discouraging is obviously self-defeating in its paradoxical nature but I shall persist in futility because it’s the only thing left to do.

It all started when I met YQ this morning on the MRT and we decided to catch The Producers, the movie version of the musical together when it opens. Later in the Mr Dimples and I started smsing and he told me he has watched Rent the movie. Obviously, very naturally, I would mention I’m going out with YQ to watch the latest musical-turned-movie to hit town and ask if he would like to join us since we have done a threesome many times, the whole two guy and a girl thing (Hell, it’s always been 2 guy and a girl or 3 guys and a girl).

He said okay (and okay only), in a not terribly enthusiastic manner as compared to the earlier smses just before. Perhaps it was in the middle of workday, perhaps something, perhaps, you know. It’s giving myself far too much credit but it’s definitely more fun to have complete attention from me.

On hindsight, I had imagined his reaction to be less energetic than the previous sms-es but it’s also highly likely that I’m being too imaginative. This observation about myself alerted me to how I have been quietly, quietly simmering with stress of the weird kind since the last supper together with his friends. Am I, God forbid, beginning to think along those lines with more than a passing, fleeting consciousness? Now that I’m bothering to read with intent to find, it’s only obvious that every goddamn thing is replete with meaning and significance.

Which is not good.

Don’t put funny ideas in my head!! I try not to get the thoughts-on-friends-who-could-be-more-than-friends thought machine started, cos this is exactly what will happen, ie the way this entry is turning out, me attempting fourth guess the parties involved, including my nutty self.

I blame Meihui for her chirpy phonecall that attempted to brainwash me and sow further discord in my head on Sunday.

Minxiu closed the door calmly in my face by saying my life is too complicated for him to analyse, which was hardly helpful. I just need someone to shake me and say wake up from this!!!

Eventually I called April up and told her to talk sense to me, me who’s troubling over nothing, and being all wasted cum angsty about the non-existence of nothing. Repetition always helps, so long as you are not the one telling yourself, ‘cos that hardly works. It’s always way more convincing and damaging to hear from another. So yes, meeting his friends doesn’t mean anything. IT DOESN’T. He’s probably being polite, that’s all.

Repeat to myself: Can I talk and write about Mr Dimples without feeling pressured that he is someone special? May I? Can my friends stop putting funny ideas in my head? Can I stop speculating so myself?

Still, on the same Monday night, eventually Mr Dimples did send a much nicer sms 6 hours later asking (somewhat redundant ‘cos I had asked him 6 hours earlier and he already replied with a horribly plain ok) whether he can join YQ and me on our movie date and that it will be nice unwinding for him over the weekend. So that kinda alleviated the angst and stress and quite convinced me things are back to being normal.

*

Yes, life will certainly be boring without Mr Dimples as a friend. It was a pleasant surprise upon discovery that both of us had logged on to our Gmail accounts simultaneously during office hours on a Wednesday afternoon just after lunch and via its chat system we went “oooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” at each other.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Laidback Times

Things accomplished over the last week:

1. Shopping – 2 skirts from Trucco and Coast (UK) and a soft orange knitted long sleeved bebe top, two pairs of DMK casual shoes, two pairs of Everbest work shoes, an insanely expensive Jolie bracelet and thanks to the Metro warehouse sale, many, many ladies’ undies (Hush Puppies, if you must know).

2. Watched Rent the movie, The Hills Have Eyes, SPL and 费玉清 concert

3. Individual girl slots with Peiyun, April, Pei Chwen, Minchao and my sis. Phone chat with a very excited Meihui.

4. Possible business venture and girl slots with another two very likeable people

5. Getting my finances in order – finally starting

6. Pigging out at two buffets (Suntec and Swissotel), two other Japanese restaurants, The Mushroom Pot, Ma Maison, HK Café, Royal Copenhagen and the Italian Capella @Chijimes

7. Mr Dimples wears Renoma and thus contributes to statistical verification

8. Hanging out late in a group, albeit those were his friends


Regrets:

1. Not chionging

2. Not ktv-ing

3. Not reading

4. Not writing

5. Not exercising

*


It’s 4pm on a Sunday. I shall attempt to revamp my wardrobe and sort out the colourful mess. Remaining time is dedicated to tidying my desk. Just let me complete these two tasks without distractions at home and happy is me.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Read With Care

So after the concert ended, he asked me to meet his mates for supper together (yes, Meihui, your ex-classmates Mr L & Mr B). No awkwardness here since we share the same academic history (even though I don’t know Mr L and Mr B, I’ve only been out with him once). It’s always cool to reminisce and do the requisite catch-up/gossip rounds, and of course, delightfully fun to be the only girl. And I love Mr B for remembering I missed SPL on the big screen and he passed me his newly bought copy (from obviously where) to watch at leisure.

I will be in absolute denial if I insist not to have noticed the (lightly, lah) suggestive remarks and knowing glances tossed at me. And along the way, we actually nailed on a future group date with his mates’ erm, special friends.


I’m being gently nudged into thinking about something and admitting there’s a real possibility here.